You Smell!

Yeah, Bald Guy  by the microwave! I’m talking to YOU!

There are very few things on this earth that drive me bat.shit.crazy. Okay, that’s a lie. There are MANY things on this earth that drive me insane, but most of them I’m willing to accept as being partly my fault that I’m annoyed by them. I’ve got a frighteningly low tolerance for BS. But you know one thing that annoys me worse than most things do? People wearing cologne/perfume.

From now on, I’m handing out these notes to people who stink.:)

In addition to the fact that it usually smells like ammonia and cat piss, the fact that it gives me, as well as many people I know, incredibly terrible migraines that make us want to cower in bed all day, it also doesn’t even COVER UP YOUR STANK!

Guess what, man-on-the-subway, if you stink then bathing yourself in that knock-off Ralph Lauren crap isn’t going to cover it up. It’ll make you smell DOUBLE BAD! Many offices have instituted no-smell policies, but how do you even monitor something like that? Have a sniffing security guard? As someone who regularly takes public transit, having to come in close contact with people who wear this shit is obnoxious and down right maddening.

Boyfriend was really into cologne when we first met. Not what I imagine The Situation is like when it comes to being “into cologne” but he definitely used it regularly. It took me MONTHS to explain how painful cologne made my head feel. I catch a whiff of the stuff and my eyes feel like they’re going to melt and drain out of my head. My sinuses start punching me in the brain. It sucks. Simple as that.

Why do people who wear this stuff? Do they think it makes them smell sexy? Do they think they’re going to bust out all naked and hot like the models in the commercials? Sorry awkward-haircut-office-lady, you’re not going to start looking like Evan Rachel Wood any time soon. I don’t care if you dab it on your wrists or dunk your head in it, it still sucks. A little or a lot, it’s gross.

Even a body mist is pushing it, seriously. I know people who have gone into respiratory distress (well I don’t know her know her, but I witnessed it on a light rail train!) because some c-word decided they didn’t give two baby turds about people’s allergies and wanted to shower in their Axe Body Spray (puke!) that morning.

The moral of the story is, perfume and cologne will not make you sexy. If you’re not sexy, eat a cheeseburger and at least be happy, but STOP. WEARING. COLOGNE.