Babies Don't Make Guys Quit Bands

An old friend shared this image on Facebook today. 

I've worked with (and *cough* dated *cough*) quite a few musicians in my time,
and I thought I would do a little commentary on this. 

RULES FOR DATING A MUSICIAN
(plus an OP Ed by yours truly)

DON'T TRY TO BE THE BAND MANAGER. STAY OUT OF THE BUSINESS SIDE OF THINGS.
This one is kind of true. Unless your boyfriend/girlfriend musician specifically asks for your opinion or help, I don't care if you're Bob freaking Rock, don't butt in! That being said, if your Boyfriend is in a band and refuses to take advice from even the most experienced industry professionals, chances are he's not going places with that band.

DON'T ASK BANDMATES FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE. 

I am assuming this means don't ask the members of your boyfriend/girlfriend's band for advice relating to them or your relationship. I think if any person is running to their significant other's band mates for relationship advice they're not secure in the relationship, and if you're insecure about dating a musician then you either a) know that you should be and should probably DTMFA or b) see A. 

IT IS NOT MANDATORY YOU ARE AT EVERY GIG. 

The girls that I know who were in real relationships with their musician boyfriends rarely went to their shows. Even the shows that were in their own city. They had lives outside of their boyfriend's band and maintained real relationships with friends and held their commitments. These girls were secure in their relationships (whether they should've been or not) and thus didn't need to act like a groupie to know their boyfriend loved them. They came out to support the band when a) they were playing somewhere sort of close but cool that they'd never been before and/or b) it was understood that all of the girlfriends would be around and they'd have people to hang with.

DO NOT COMPLAIN WHEN YOUR SPECIAL DAY GETS CANCELLED BECAUSE A GIG HAS BEEN BOOKED. 

Musicians are like feathers flying in the wind. Even the most successful ones generally have almost no idea what's going on from one week to the next.  That. Being. Said.... if your boyfriend consistently makes plans and cancels them because he has "gigs" or "practice" or "band stuff" then he's not making you a priority. Sometimes girlfriends do have to come first. 

DO NOT GET JEALOUS WHEN YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND TALKS TO GROUPIES. THEY ARE THE ONES BUYING THE MERCH AND PAYING TO GET IN THE DOOR. LET THEM HAVE THEIR MOMENT. 

This one is true but also totally false. Yes, if your boyfriend musician is just innocently chatting up groupies, or as I prefer to call them, FANS, then by all means give them their time. If his band is any good there will probably be at least 20-50 people who want to talk to him the SECOND he gets off stage. Don't be that girl that has to run up to him and give him a big fat kiss in front of everyone to "mark your territory"... Groupies don't care. Keeping that in mind, if your boyfriend the musician is feeling girls up and can't keep it in his pants because "Oh man I was so drunk I don't even know what happened" DTMFA and get tested. Like yesterday.

BABIES DON'T MAKE GUYS QUIT BANDS. 
Um. Well they should. It's one thing if your boyfriend "the musician" is in a successful band and actually earns enough income to support his family, but if he refuses to quit his job at the local guitar shop and stop rehearsing every night and playing gigs at the same. place. every. weekend. to his 10 obsessed superfans, then do you really want to have a baby with him in the first place? If he's already knocked you up and refused to quit his stupid band, call his Mom!

DON'T GO ON TOUR WITH THE BAND. IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO FUND A TOUR AND YOU WILL JUST BE ANOTHER PERSON TO FEED FOR THE NIGHT. 

I can speak from experience when I say that unless you're shacked up with a guy who's in a moderately successful band, his tour is going to suck anyway. They will be sleeping in the van and bumming smokes off of the headliners and it wont be a good time. You'll be much happier and more comfortable at home skyping with him when he has a chance to stop at McD's for free Wifi every afternoon. If he can even afford a computer, that is. 

If your guy is in a band that is successful enough to do a proper tour, meaning a bus, a tour manager and a daily per diem, well you probably don't want to go on that tour either. 8-12 stinky dudes on a bus getting drunk every night isn't a good time and you'll just get in the way. Plus his band mates will hate him for ruining their time and bringing his girlfriend. 

If you're worried about groupies, check out that one about groupies up there again, you didn't read it slow enough!

DON'T FOLLOW HIM/HER AROUND AT A SHOW WHEN HE/SHE IS TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS/NETWORKING. 

If you are so obsessed/insecure that you can't leave your boyfriend/girlfriend alone for 45 minutes and grab a drink at the bar while they chat it up with potential contacts then again, you shouldn't be dating a musician.

DO NOT SHOW UP AT PRACTICE (UNLESS INVITED)

This also is true. If your boyfriend was a doctor (also probably a much better choice in companion) would you poke your head into his exam room while he was meeting with a patient? No. Because what the heck is the point of interrupting him while he's working, right? Same goes here. Even though it may look like they are goofing off / talking about girls and booze, they're probably formulating the layout to the next big hit (or in most cases, the next big truckload of crappy used CD's being brought to the dump.)

DO NOT ASSUME THAT EVERYONE LOVES YOUR BF/GF's BAND

In fact, assume the opposite unless otherwise informed. 

DON'T MAKE OUT WITH OTHER BAND MEMBER'S GIRLFRIENDS AT THE BAR. SAVE IT FOR THE AFTERPARTY. 

Or just don't. At all. 

I mean, if you want to then fine, but if you're doing it for attention you're insecure and should once again read that rule about groupies. 

DON'T TURN YOURSELF INTO A WALKING BILLBOARD. THE SHIRT IS FINE, BUT THE HAT, HOODIE, AND STICKERS ON YOUR A** IS A BIT MUCH. 

Just don't. At all. 

Besides by taking all that free merch you're taking money out of the band's pocket. Not cool man, not cool.

IF YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND CALLS WHILE ON THE ROAD, DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT WHEN THEY ARE COMING HOME

First of all this sentence is structured terribly and if you are complaining about them coming home that's just odd. If you're complaining because you want them to come home, that makes more sense. Saying "Oh I miss you and I can't wait until you are home" is not complaining. If your bf/gf acts like you are complaining by saying that then see the groupie rule yet again, please.

NEVER START A FIGHT BEFORE SHOW TIME. ANY PROBLEMS CAN BE DEALT WITH THE NEXT DAY. 

1. If a little fight throws your partner off their performance game then they're probably a crappy musician
2. You can tell that this was clearly written by a guy in a crappy band who was feeling a bit bitter
3. Anyone in a real relationship knows that people don't "Start" fights, they just happen. So go on with your bad self. (keeping in mind all of the above rules)

IF THE BAND HAS AN OUT OF TOWN VACATION, DO NOT COME ALONG TO HAVE ALONE TIME. THIS IS WORK, NOT A VACATION

I don't know about you, but I've actually been on tour several times. I've seen how much "work" is involved for the band and let me tell you, if you compared jobs to vacations, being a touring musician is pretty freaking high up the chain on that one. It must be so hard waking up at the crack of noon, calling into a radio station a few cities ahead for a few sound bites, eating and drinking off of a list you made up that people have to follow, being given directions on when and where you have to be at all times and having people act like your shtuff doesn't stink. Yep... that sounds much more like a job than a vacation. 

That being said, yes, touring is hard. Most good bands I know do bring their ladies/men on the road with them occasionally just to actually spend some quality time together between gigging and praticing and writing and recording. It's not an all the time thing, but the change in pace is usually welcome. 

If your musician boyfriend/girlfriend never lets you come on the road and has a pissy arse attitude like whoever wrote this mostly BS list, well, see the groupie rule again, my friend.