Past, Present & Future

This year has been such a roller coaster in so many ways, sometimes it feels like the universe was just trying to pack it all in! I've had a baby, bought a house, moved in, had the worst closing EVER, was cast alongside my family in a reality TV show, made some amazing new friends and accomplished some amazing things, went back to work from mat leave, dislocated my tailbone, travelled out east and to Ohio on business, and eventually was laid off! I started doing freelance design and marketing again and now, in the new year I find myself struggling to live the life of a Stay-at-home mom until I can find a new job. I thought about staying off and starting my own business, but I have more to learn and do before I'm prepared for that.

There are so many things about the last year that I will never forget! There are many things I hope to forget one day, too. I hope that all of these new experiences have led me somewhere and helped me to grow as a person. In a few days I will have no way to control the impression that people have of me and that is something that has always been difficult for me. I like being liked and I hate it when people find a reason (whether its valid or not) not to like me. But now, now I have to resign myself to the idea that people's impressions of me have no bearing on who I actually am and are only as valid as I let them be. That being said I still hope I don't come off as a total idiot on the show. I value my intelligence, perhaps above all of my other qualities (creativity, assertiveness, diligence) and I hope that after this part of my life is over I still have many people in my life who value my intelligence as well.

I have two boys who I want to teach how to be men, how to take all of the lessons I've learned in life and apply them in their own lives. I want them to value their own intelligence, to treat others with respect and have dignity. I want them to observe others, to determine where they have needs and what they can do to help. I want them to value style and self-moderation. But most importantly (to me) I want them to value me, as their mother, and how hard I've worked to give them all that they need to do something but not so much that they do nothing. Right now they are babies, my babies, but one day they will be men. Men that love their partners and children, that offer themselves up to the world. That's what I hope for when I look into their big brown eyes.